This Statement is my right to answer the defamatory « Statement #6 » from the group « engagées, enragées » with my version of the story. This false testimony is a sad transformation of the truth, revenge fantasy. I think that truth can only come out of the close and objective examination of a story. Not testimonies but facts, with traces that validate those testimonies. To get to the truth, all side of a story must be listened to. This is the difference that exist between a « Which Hunt » and « Justice ».
This text is very long. But it was necessary to enlight all the lies and motives of « statement#6 ».
I will copy it here too in italic, so we can confront our version. As one's memory can transform under the pression of anger, political identity, promotion motives, or attention need, i added in text and in screen copies, genuine emails, letters, chat, and all the writen pieces of us in this relationship that describe our dynamic and interactions. Writen words in 2005 and 2006 by you and me can't lie today like we could (and you choosed to do)
I am adressing myself to the person who wrote this « statement » in my text. I am not in seek of a public, or sharing the private mess of my love life, or intimate details of my life. But as once again i am attacked and diffamed, i will not let you lie and pretend so here is my answer back using your easy fake anonymous internet ways.
Don't cut my text, copy and paste stuffs out of their context.
.
This is not a love story.
This is not a story about a bad breakup.
This is a very confortable story of Self-victimisation.
The way to not take responsability at all with the assurance to get unconditional attention, support, and love, protected by the sacred status that autorise anyone to be a liar with the complete protection of the community.
Even if i know your difficult familly story and your hard break ups in the past that made you run here in france, even if i know about your taste for ideologies with saint and heaven, making you feel above the others and assuring you a divine attention, you have no excuses for doing what you are doing today, using your innocent look, charm, fragility to lie, and to responsabilize me entierly of our relationship that we equaly despise today.
My original text was using the « Vous » form of adressing, reflecting the tone i wanted to give to this text, i'm sorry it does not translate in english.
statement #6: « I was excited about being in a big city with a queer scene, and on my first day in the city I assisted the Existans March 2005. I didn’t meet anyone in particular but I picked up an xxboys flyer. I spent 3 weeks going to the 'bliss' café and weekends at the Pulp, but I wasn't meeting the alternative artistic queers I was hoping to find. So I dug out the flyer, took a deep breath and sent an email to the contact email on the flyer, asking to be told of any queer cultural events. »
Your intro aims to make you pass for an entousiastic activist, a good queer looking for culture.
You write about this email that you sent so casualy, just a note to meet all « the alternative artistic queers » that you were hoping to find.
The only alternatif artistic queer that you were hoping to find (eventually in your bed) was me. You made it clear eventhough sutbil (which i appreciated), talking about my strap on harness that i was wearing under my jean on my naked hips that day. You were asking cultural event to meet me. And, you joined 3 pretty pictures of yourself to go along your personal invitation.
You
>> Date: October 20 2005
>>Subject: Can i orbit your satellite?
>> You probably get many invitations from strangers, so i hope mine isn't too weird, it's more of a compliment... good.
I love your work (xxb is beautiful and sexy). You were really a leader strengh at the trans march...
(I liked your strap on harness)
but i was too shy to come and talk to you, and i can't find you now...
May be you could let me know of interesting events where you'll be so i can meet you...
I'm american, new to Paris, who love to live the more intensely possible. Fuck my french sucks, but i hope you will understand.
>>
+ 3 pictures attached.
I'll answered the same way.
Me:
Le 20 Octobre 2005, 22:00
> your french is really cute.
> the Existrans was really exiting, it was good to be able to gather all the boys together in a pirate crew! there's no much trans boys and queer people around.
> where do you come from? i'll be happy to meet you and to take you to different events. too bad you missed the 72h it was a three day festival with performances, exposure, concerts, videos, i had an exhibition there.
> i organise parties also the next one gonna be november 6, it's called Boysnight.
> do you wanna have a coffee next week?
>
>
> ps:(like that you noticed my harness)
You:
>> YES, I want to have coffee with you. My number: 06...
statement #6: « He wrote back the same day. We made a date for the closing of the Gay and Lesbian Film festival. Finally, I was introduced to the transpédégouine (queer) crowd. He invited me back to his house, and I agreed. I didn't leave for 3 days. We ordered sushi and watched movies, and never got out of his bed. It was exciting and intense. I considered it a fling.
I went on holidays with my best friend, along with the first of what would be Many Mycoses as a parting gift from him. (He once said, that he washes his hands in the pussies of women.) We emailed during my trip, and continued to see each other when I got back »
Email exchanges during your hollydays (you were writing me from a pirate bar you were in Barcelona)
You
Ven. 28/10/05 19:50
Subject: ***
>>missing you a bunch baby, i would bring all my booty to you and let you hold my treasure in your fist (okay im VERY bad at pirate dirty talk) okay how about, argh I'ld walk yar plank argh... (oh fuck just forget it)
>>okay got to get wenched up and dance a pirate jig...
Me
10/28/05
re:***
>my tresor, i let you hold my fists with your thighs when you get back. Bring me some pirate girls from your bar, i'm hungry, i need some flesh, and necks, i need a fest. a pirate fest.
>i'm leaving a rebirthed passion with my camera, it's like the first narcissic days, i roll over naked in front of the lens, tighten the harness, lay on the pink walls, push the button again and again until the card is empty, and we do it again, i want new places, i wanna go explore new dirty bathrooms and share kisses and sweat with you.
>i miss you
>come play with me leave barcelona and boring spanish people, tortillas and mojitos, come be my mermaid baby.
You
Dim. 30/10/05 07:33
>>oh fuck, i wanna be your petite siren only the tradegy will be not that i die at the end but that we fuck so much that my foreign legs can never healed into scaly one again. forever two spreading at your command.
>>found another pirate bar in here. i wish we could loot them, wreck them, steal all the kitchy pirate shit and make a nest on an island where we waste hours biting, sucking, rubbing, and thrusting (and talking about ferrets) while dipping into your treasure kit over and over to keep it going.
>>so alas, the ship sets sail on mecredi matin, as charted, but i´ll do a ritual to make the winds blow the sails faster (so i´ll be there before you wake up...)
statement #6: « He was seductive and romantic, creative and intense. I felt like Alice who had fallen through some sort of sexual looking glass. All though I was drunk on sex and romance, there were a few clouds in paradise.
One night I came to a party with my American friends. We had been drinking and I was more concentrated on them, which made him angry. I thought his possessiveness and narcissism was over the top, but I agreed to leave my friends and go home with him where he offered me a present and I let it go.
(Now I realize it was a classic sign of an abuser...the effusive courtship combined with the possessiveness and distancing me from my social circle) »
All along your statement #6 you use a twisted dialectic of abuse, we all seen tv show, read book about the famous « pervers manipulators », and you throw here and there twisted interpretation of events, according to those criterias that you well studied, to make me fit the profile. But the « effusive courtship » you talk about was actually getting a birthday present.
Too bad for you there is not way you can change the date of your birth.
Your birthday was happening on october 26th so a couple of days ealier while you were in Barcelona.
H&M had just released a woman collection inspired of parisian maison close with lingerie and corset in old/pale pink and black laces, black pearls and accessories. I bought a pretty corset and black pearls for your birthday.
I was at a party with my friend and later you were supposed to join me at this party, just gotten back from Barcelona.
You joined us with your friends, this social circle that you talk about who were in reality some american friends passing by paris for a little while. You just admitted that you just moved to paris and didn't know anyone.
One true thing in this paragraph though: you had been drinking.
You were dressed out as a zombie to celebrate halloween (no one else at the party was dressed up), and walking like a zombie, adding to the weirdness of it a drunken one. You had too much to drink and were loud, obnoxious, bumping on people making people feel weird (added to the zombi make up), you were not really elegant. I don't drink and i can't stand drunk people sad show. Drunk people push you, talk very close to your face with an alcohol breath, are sexually agressive and make you feel ashame of them. I decided to leave and told you a bit coldly considering that i was really annoyed, i didn't want to be there anymore, so i said « i'm going home », you said « i'm coming with you » Which will become a big classical habbit of yours.
I am not afraid to state my limits and say what i want = « i'm going home », you have a hard time doing so because of your high co dependancy to others and you end up do thing that may be you don't want = « i'm coming with you ». (or at least pretend afterward that you didn't)
And for the present, i bought it for your birthday so i gave it to you.
Statement#6: « After two weeks of dating he went to San Francisco to see his lover. At this point, I was willing to trying an open relationship; although his rules made it seem more of a bigamous rather than a non-monogamous relationship. »
Untrue. I left for Seattle were i had no lovers as i had never been there before.
Statement #6: « He could have sex (and did) with whom ever he wanted. While I couldn't date other trans, butches, or androgynous types, nor anyone he knew, such restrictions were to ensure that I didn’t sleep with anyone else, as I was to discover. During his trip, I was at his apartment so I could chat with him online, and I when I told him I had had a one night stand, he became aggressive and verbally abusive, and harassed his housesitter to kick me out of his apt at 4am. »
I didn't want to be in an exclusive relationship.
I was really clear about it.
I was not wanting for me to be in an exclusive monogamous relationship. I was just healing from
my last relationship where my girlfriend cheated on me with and left me for a FTM friend of mine while i was traveling. So i needed to state clearly my boundaries, and at the risk to not have a relationship with you at all, i told you that i didn't want to have a non monogamous relationship.
But you were fine with it, desiring actually the same thing an open relation ship, in the form of a primary relation ship open to negociated encounters out of the relationship.
So we stated our permissions and boundaries you gave yours « i'm fine about sex partner for just fucking but i don't want you to start and have other serious relationship with other girls. »
i stated mine: « I'm fine with you having lovers that are women, but i don't feel confortable of you having lovers that are men bio or trans, or trans/butch people. And i don't feel confortable of you sleeping with the people i know » obvioulsy considering what i just lived in my last relationship.
Once again you try to make a manipulation of what seem to me easily understandable: not feeling confortable having your girlfriend sleeping with your friends and the people you work with.
And you beeing hypocrital, always having two set of rules one for you and one for the others:
You and your friends live by the rule of the Fem Solidarity which is that you never sleep with one of your friend boyfriend or lover, to not be betrayaled by your friend, have you fem identity triggered, and because you know it does fucking multiple hurt.
Paris is a big city, and you could have found lovers for yourself but you simply didn't had the time because soon after i left you broke the terms of our open relationship, cheated the trust, and crossed the boundaries we esthablished consensually by sleeping with a transgender person.
I decided to break up with you, as soon as i learnt. I was mad and hurt, feeling betrayed and cheated on.
Statement #6: « During his trip, I was at his apartment so I could chat with him online, and I when I told him I had had a one night stand, he became aggressive and verbally abusive, and harassed his housesitter to kick me out of his apt at 4am. »
You mean that one cross someone boundaries, cheat and expect to be speaking gently to?
You were in my appartement, in my intimacy, with my personnal stuffs. I wanted you out of my space and out of my life.
You had your own room in Paris, cabs are running 24/7.
Statement #6: « From the very beginning he told me that everyone knew him and reported to him whatever I did or said. He often had an unbalanced power dynamic in his friendships as well. »
You were surely new to Paris, or to the world, because there is one very real thing in everyscene that one can be and it's gossips. People spend their time talking about each other and scenes are snakes nest, the more you are visible, the more you are gossiped about. Being today in the highlights of this scene you are surely aware of it now.
Statement #6: « I was scared to talk to any of his 'friends' that were my new acquaintances about my feelings and my doubts about our relationship, this fear and paranoia stayed with me for years. At his return we resumed dating, but he acted as if I was in penitence and I owed him. Although He had slept with other women, I was to repent. »
Yes why choosing MY friends. how about finding your own friends??
You had no doubts at all about our relationship, to the contrary.
Suddenly you were sure that i was the only things that matters and such and such. That we HAD to be together. I broke up from Seattle, online, and you started to metamorphose just there. I was telling you it was over, without trying to be nice, i even insulted you i was so mad. I hated you for the betrayal, this is « the chat » where i broke up with you online:
You: I'm home
me: you know what, you did exactly the worst thing. the more i think about it the more i think it's fucked up.
and i feel like i should have hang to my own personnal rule wich is, when i go away, i get out of all my relationship cause this is not gonna work.
I'm sad
You: im scared, you are all i want, and that is the ironic twist that event proved it to me, and now it may cost me the very thing i realized was everything
me: i'm not going through that again. being scared, and feeling anguish i'm not giving energy when i'm on my trip for an unfaithfull bitch (*Yes i said « bitch » but the word that usually come out when you're being betrayaled are usually not nice...)
if i wasn't commited to you i wouldn't feel bad now
You: committment is beautiful and sometimes hard i would rather live in tight reins, under lock and key
me: I don't get it.
You: i just want a life with you (...)
me:i don't want to think about you in a way that doesn't makes me feel good. i already did that this summer (* with my ex who cheated on me with a trans friend of mine) and you knew about it, that is even more disrespectfull. i'm not doing it again. i'm not talking to you
trust is a basis.
and it's not here
sometimes you screw and it's just over (...)
You: let me be mary magdelene, i fucked up but i devote myself to you
i'll wash your feet in my tears and my devotion will save you
Me: no it wont
i don't trust you and i'm gonna listen my inner voice (...)
I was really pissed and hurt, I was going on and on and on about that it was over. We were having a polyamourous relationship in which the conditions of the openness has been negociated and you were saying weird thing about devotion. Things with no cohérence at all of the whole talk we were having, that was your answer to me not being able to trust you and not wanting to.
You: i will send you every single detail, you will always know where i am, what i do, and only with whom you approve. i will live lock and key
gladly
I wasn't asking you anything. I was breaking up this relationship, it was an ordinary relationship that was crashing because of cheating. With the cheater begging the cheated to not leave.
moi: i'm not thinking about you. that is my decision. i'm not gonna be worried. not a second.
You: just slow down, let your anger flow and calm
moi: and thanksgiving waiting for me so i go.
I logged off.
I broke up.
I wanted you out of my life, expressed it clearly, i was not your boyfriend anymore. There was no relationship anymore.
But you wouldn't let go. You hanged on this relationship in a way that you are oblitering to your eyes, and to the eyes of your audience. And it is sad because it would be the place to start a processing and acknoledgment of behaviors, yours, mine, that precipitated us in the unbalanced relationship that we despise today.
Statement #6: « Although He had slept with other women, I was to repent. »
In fact you started to send everyday stalkery emails that i was ignoring. I was doing my own thing, getting over you and working, and here are the emails you were sending, throwing yourself in the unhealthy roles that you fetish so much the repentant sinner and the caring nurse.
You
dim. 27/11/05 00:02
sujet: White flag
>>dearest K,
i am so sorry you are hurting right now. and that you are alone in seattle doing beautiful important work. of course you should not have to worry and should be free to be happy and playful when you travel and work. i know that is not the case. that i have made you suffer. I am going to do everything i can to take away as much of that worry and pain as i can.
>>you need someone who will think of your needs. i wouldnt expect you to be with a stupid girl (you deserve better!) so i am going to be a smart girl. i will always take your feelings into consideration before i act (what i should have been doing all along). this means, if i dont think it will make you happy, or would give you any cause to worry more, i choose not to do that thing. like the trip to london. Or seeing your friends in a non-public place. these are easy decisions and i choose to do what i hope will make you feel safer.
>>i know you are suffering, that you are hurting, and baby, it makes my heart break, and then it grinds my heart into pulp that i am the one to cause you to hurt. i want you to share that pain with me, not because i like feeling guilty, but because i care about you, and want to know you.
>>i know you hate me right now, and are tired of the world. The world that should be supporting your delicate wonderful self.
>>i am going to do the only thing i can, wait. try to show that i deserve someone as creative, open, honest, hot, tender, sexy, smart as you. i am not asking your permission, i am doing what my heart (pulpy thing that it is) is screaming for me to do... anything/everything to be with you.
~the person who hopes to grow into your girl
Stalkery is harder to see when it comes from a beautiful women such as you to a man (that should consider himself lucky of that priviledge), but think about it, what if theese email were from one charming cheater man the girl he cheated on to have her come back??
don't use two set of rules to point perverse manipulation.
You
dim. 27/11/05 11:48
dove of hope:
>>i have spent the early afternoon hours searching plane tickets to sf. i imagined arriving just in time for your vernissage. there would be two weeks between us. two weeks where i do nothing but try to ease your fears. and then i would be there with you.
>>but i am thinking of me again. what i want. that i want to see you so bad that i dont want to leave my bed. (if i stay in bed and close my eyes, your there, if i leave i must face reality). that i want to see what it is you sacrifice for. that i want to be near you, even if your thorns pierce my skin and draw blood, i would pull you to me. that a gesture like impulsively flying to see you during your last weekend would be seen as a sign of my committment to you.
>>and i almost bought it, instead i cancelled the sending of the booking at the last second. cause i realized i should be thinking about you.how it might be traumatic for you, and at the least, stressful to have me invade your sf time. that there are other people who care about you, and whom you care about, and that i might invade that time for those connections. that you have your work to think about that last weekend, and details to finalize, and oh, all kinds of things...and my presence in the city might interfere, distract you from those things.
>>and that i would be better to prove my devotion through patience, a calculated study in how to take your feelings, thoughts, desires first. a guidline written in love.
>>so i cage my little dove, keeping him here in paris, where i will set him free when you set your feet on french soil.
Your definition of love was twisted. Your emails were full of « living in a cage », « devotion », « sacrifice », « thorns » that go with your ever favorite fantasy coming from your deeply commited catholic background: the one of a martyr. Your fantasy.
I wasn't answering. I was wanting to be a wall of silence, working and having fun to get over you. (and i surely was)
You
3/12/05
Subject: Please
>>pretty please come home, i am not a monk. waiting is not my favorite pastime. i can do it for no more than 10 days. i am calling yellow: reaching my limit.
>>prettiest please, see me when you get back. of course, i should have known, you will see me when you want, not as soon as your sweet feet hit france, but it did kinda shock me, when i realized that. cause i want to see you so bad. i want to be near you. i want to talk with you: face to face.
>>and my not so secret hopes: i want to hug you. i want to kiss you. i want to be the sweetest girl who ever graced your kitchen. i want to work on our relationship, until i am your honeylove, your doll baby, the little girl who lights up your life with her devotion to you, her acceptance of your attention and caretaking, and finally with our mutual commitment and honesty and trust.
>>i know none of those things will happen right away. i will try to remember to take things slow, and not to expect everything at once.
>>i know you are mad at me. that you may not want to be nice to me. that you may be scared to see me and all the emotional work that lays ahead. but our compatibility is undeniable. and hopefully so is my willingness to learn and open up about things i dont know. i admit, i am inexperienced but i refuse to be a baby, i chose honesty and self-discovery (self-acceptance is too far away yet). and i think i am strong enough to handle your thorns and horns.please consider all the fun and pleasure that lays ahead of us too.
~small town girl seeks big city boy for romantic encounter greater than any encounter they have encountered before
The origins of the unbalanced love that we shared are here. Undeniable. Love and Devotion were strangely connected to you weither it was a fantasy or a trauma from your past.
Statement #6: « At his return we resumed dating, but he acted as if I was in penitence and I owed him. Although He had slept with other women, I was to repent. »
I wanted you to disapear of my life and you hanged on so tight. I was sad for the obvious reason that i was in love with you, otherwise it wouldn't have hurt so much. I fought seing you, or being intimate again, but you are so pretty, you were so sorry, and it's true i was ressenting you for cheating. But I let you back in my life.
I hope that it strickes your eyes now, how you have been an active member for creating unbalanceness and a fucked up dynamic in our relationship. I was resenting you, you had just betrayed me, you were submited yourself insanely, i was unable to trust you, and wouldn't compromise what seemed safe to me because of what just happenned. Our feeling were melted together, love, pain, fear of loosing the other, abandon, betrayal, resent, attraction, unforgiven acts with also the wounds we both carry from our past.
Its on that shitty ground that we decided to buil our relationship.
But as you said, for better and worst, the compatibility between us was undéniable. We were so close. Desperately attracted to each other, curious about kinky stuffs, queer culture, passionnated about the Fem identity, about gender in general, i was a very fierce personnality, intense, to the point, leading (that's what you liked about me) and you, you were sweet, caring, smart, creative, soo loving. We had open hearted talks, we share every of our interests, our lectures, worked together, you expected new games all the time, you were hungry for new experience, we both were.
Statement #6 « A few weeks later, at Christmas, he slept with the little sister of one of my friends. »
The woman, « the little sister », you are talking about was in her twenties to clear any doubt of pedophilia that the volontary lack of details of your sentence implies. Further she was the little sister of one of my friend. My bestfriend at the time that you might have met a couple of time considering all the time we were appart and that now we were « just after chrismas ». And my friend was fine with it.
Statement #6: « When I expressed my insecurity and discomfort with this, he initiated our first 'BDSM' scene. He tied me up and whipped me. At the time it felt very sexy. We had been discussing our mutual fantasies and wanting to play at The Story of O, but it was also confusing as it was enmeshed with my negative feelings and true concerns about the terms of our real relationship. This unhealthy confusion was to define our 'play'. Whenever I was to voice concerns about our relationship, or displease him, I was punished. And sex and jealousy were ways of manipulating me. »
This paragraph implies is that my answer to your insecurity and discomfort was bdsm and it's untrue. At least it's honest of you to admit that you found our games very sexy.
We had set a lot of time to talk, to process, both our feelings and our relationship. And detailed through emails, which i'm very grateful for today.
The thing is: we had decided to play 24/7. It was the crazy idea of two hungry lovers and players that we were. Totally new to these sort of interactions, in practice not in theory that we both had (who is queer and can't escape bdsm??), out of love and desir we had set a permanent never stopping rôle play, who was causing both our joy and misery. Thinking it was gonna be ok we had books! We were both adults, and its not about age, but about experience, none of us had never lived such a relationship, and it's not like we had any scene or players we could have turned to for advices, and finding the right balance in D/s permanant relationship is probably the work of years of experience with experiment top or bottom to teach you.
It was out of control, unbalanced, the role play was here all the time, guiding all our interactions, and especially at the begining were we had a hard time to be able to manage some time out and not let the game invade and twist every of our interaction.
I had doubts. But we were blindly focusing on the good part of it. we were really improvising in our rôle of top and bottom.
You were demending , expecting my advice on everything, what you should wear, if you should wear an underwear or not to go teach at school, hair up or hair down, and games all the time, I was supposed to be creative 24/7, it was taking all the space, you think top is an easy rôle, but it's insane. I was expected to have the solution to everyproblem, to provide you with excitement and intensity, i had to improvise constantlely to fill up my rôle.
I wasn't good at it. I was using what was at our reach to make up the constant scene we were supposed to live in and all the clear rituals you were in demand of to live your bottom rôle, like the dirty dishes, or the morning breakfast, everyday life is not a wild ride in a magic world. Its boring chores, mostly, work, and the time we can manage for fun. It was impossible for us to be in a top or a bottom space all the time, at the demand of the other, we were not in sync' all the time.
You loved me in a non healthy way, i loved you in a non healthy way, we are equally responsible our mistakes. You deny it for the confortablity that being a « victim » gives you. But look around, a lot of love relationships are unbalanced, we all have couples of friends that fights, get back, love each other, hate each other, and that everyone know are not good for each other but can't live separated. The reality of unbalanced love relationship and passion is a dynamic of two people.
I didn't ask for you to love me like that, but i was considering myself lucky. I mean, look at you: you are one of the most desired women of paris. You are the prettiest, smartest, sweetest, talented. No one would have not been flattered and blinded by your beauty and having you loving me i was feeling elected.
You
12/03/06 14:32
Sujet: Frustrated.
>>sexually...
>>i can't bite my own neck, and there are not enough hands to go around.
one pinching my nipple, one on my clit, one up my cunt and another pulling my hair or squeezing my neck...
i need you.
You
15/04/06 08:49
Sujet: My lord and personnal savior
>>last night you filled me up like the Holy Ghost, burning me pure from the inside out. bringing my back to the light (or darkness) of my chosen faith. my faith in you. back to my devotion. back to that peaceful place that all believers live, knowing that there is a god, who is watching, something higher than themselves. (we love even an unjust god, just for his greatness)
>>it was amazing and important to feel that connected to you. i've
missed you. i've missed that. my body parted like the red sea, my bush was burning. i had nothing but trust in you last night. and the desire to give, open myself up, beg you to use me. and you did, oh so well. I let go of my shame and guilt for penetration, because you showed me you are the messiah of my body, you are the savior of my pussy, you are the lord of my ass.
>>im sorry i left you with the mess to clean up this morning. i WANT to bring you breakfast in bed, and rub your butt and hair, and to do the small things to make you happy, and to show you my adoration. I WANT TO BABY. not as an obligation or a chore, but to be happy cause i am showing my gratitude and devotion.
>>im elated i had your attention and your hands, cock, mouth. i feel
like no one else could fuck like we do. cause who else is so devoted bare vunerable? and has your devotion to taking pushing fucking feeling and listening? i dont feel jealous about you sleeping with someone else right now. cause it can not be the same or replace our connection. thank you for that. for saving me from my own misery and bringing me to glory.
je vous aime.
I was receiving theese emails every days. Your words saying how good it was, how great it was, how happy you were. What else could i think? of course i understand that it was a very dramatical way to say it, like how you were saying to everyone « i had the hand of god », but without the exessivness of it, it was indeniabely a positive feed back about our dynamic and our sexuality.
You
mer. 19/07/06 01:35
>> you are my true love.
Statement #6: « I was eager to try bondage and domination/submission play, but I was a complete Novice. When I tried to educate myself on how to do it safely, he discouraged my reading and research as contradictions to His rules. Boundary breaking was a hobby of his. At the beginning I wrote a long letter outlining my fantasies, what I would but also what I would not like to do, like posing for nude pictures or anal sex. These limits interested him the most. »
I wasn't discouraging your readings at all, to the contrary i was giving you a lot of books to read such as « The Ethical Slut » or « Redefining our Relationships, Guidelines For Responsible Open Relationships » , if i wanted to manipulate you those would have surely been the last books to share with you...
But, i was, and i still am, fiercely against becoming a robot, and following a manual, a religion, an idéologie without thinking and just applying like a dedicated student the lesson of the books. And it is that i was disaproving. A reading without interpretation, without choosing between all the ideas that are offered to you, without possibly disagring with the autor. Intimate experiences are not explain by the professor tone of the books, if you just accept everything you read you soon become a robot, start performing instead of living and feeling. And that is against my beliefs and approch of life.
Statement #6: « At the beginning I wrote a long letter outlining my fantasies, what I would but also what I would not like to do, like posing for nude pictures or anal sex. These limits interested him the most. »
Yes you wrote this letter. In this letter you were stating what you wanted, what were your boundaries, what was ok and what wasn't, what was turning you on, and what you found not so sexy, eventhough you are saying since the begining of your « statement #6 » that you were unable to formulate your opinion and express your doubtfull feelling about our relationship.
And as ironic it seemed to have kept memories of you, and sadly for you this letter i have it.
Its from march 2006. I had the whole letter along with the screen copies of all the mails at the end of this text. Nothing about posing for nude pictures, or anal sex.
And the passage about « all that happens in the bedroom » is really entousiastic.
You
Le 06/03/06
Dearest K.
I have been thinking about our lifestyle together, evaluating, processing. And I want to share with you my thoughts on what has been working, what doesn’t, what I would like to change, keep and add. I understand that this is an ever-evolving experience, and that it is my responsibility to state my needs and desires, set my own boundaries, and ultimately take care of myself. This is a good step in that direction.
Well you are perfectely able to formulate your opinion in 2006 , and state your limits. You are fully aware, mastering your desirs, articulating them. You are demanding, explaining, and sharing clearly what « has not been working » for you.
You write:
Discipline
n.1: Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement. 2: Punishment intended to correct or train.
--I accept and desire discipline. I like schedules and order. I like clearly stated rules.
When I transgress and need correction it should come with a discussion and after-care. (sorry, I’m an American and I need to hear that it comes from a place of love.)
[when I disagree with the penalty I don’t find it sexy. I find it oppressive, so don’t be surprised if I’m not wet during a spanking I don’t want or think I deserve.]
Your are clearly pointing out the thing you disliked.
Mentor/mentee: training and education (such as charm school, and sex ed.)
Everything that has happened so far in the bedroom has been incredible, exciting, and fulfilling. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
And yet you have no shame to say that i raped you, that we ever had unconsensual sex on new year eve, so before this letter. We never had unconsensual sex.
Statement #6: « On New Year's Eve, I drank a bottle of champagne and danced with my friends, which angered him. When we got home, I passed out. I awoke to him entering me anally, and when I protested he said it was punishment for being a sloppy drunk. »
Further in your letter:
Things that don’t interest me:
Chores: are not interesting and instead are a burden to me. I expect to do some as part of a member of the household. But I resent feeling like a servant, maid, or house-slave. There is no obligation to perform certain or all of the household tasks. You are not my master, I am not your slave. I like deference: yielding to the will of another (yours), which implies each time, I can say no without risk of punishment for insolence.
One task I do expect to perform is Care-taking of Toys/Equipment.
Otherwise I see the household as separate from our bedroom, and in the realm of communal decision-making and accountability. I propose we all talk and agree to a schedule of chores (in which everyone is involved, granted in different ways).
And here is the whole complexity of D/S relationship. Who tops who? Who Decides? Who state the rules. Being your top i was trying to please you, and to manage this unmanageable 24/7 D/S relationship that we have decided of. You were demanding, you were in control, you were active in its process.
Statement #6: « He seemed like 'the man with all the answers, he talked about self improvement and honesty. I was in love, felt guilty, and was afraid to voice my opinion. »
Your own words testify were really articulated, precise, and able to voice your opinion.
Statement #6: « When I disagreed with him, or voiced a concern, he would say, “fine, then we'll end this and I'll put your things on the street”. (We had moved in together with our best friend.) »
You were being a powerfull bottom, mastering your desires, stating your boundaries. I was always encouraging you to be.:
These are my most recent thoughts on the power-play dynamic of our relationship. I really want to be clear, honest, and an active member of this partnership. As I learn my boundaries, I vow to acknowledge them to myself and to tell you of them. In this way you can trust that you are not harming me, and I will not feel harmed, but taken care of, taught, challenged and loved.
Your Girl,
L
Statement #6: « Even in the midst of our relationship dictated by him, I was confused as to whether we were in a BDSM relationship as was stated or had in fact an abusive relationship.
He called me a duck, for being awkward, but I was sleep deprived most of the time, because he insisted I stay awake until he feel asleep from sleeping pills around 2 or 3am. When I woke up for work at 7am, I walked on the x's he had marked in the hallway with the purpose that I would make less noise, and got dressed and ate standing in the kitchen. I would come home after work, prepare dinner, clean, and got to bed late every night till often I would cry from exhaustion. »
At the risk of being forever seen as a cold hearted practical asshole, we were living in a 2 bedroom appartment, with a living room where you would have been able to eat your breakfast if you put a practical thought to it. For the best of everyone.
You were waking up at 6am, crushing me to get out of the bed, turning on all the lights without prevention, and then always rushing to put your cowboy boots on to walk back and forth on the long corridor from the bedroom to the bathrooms, making a terrible boot noise. A pretty violent waking up. The corridor was long and echoing all your mooves, you never cared closing the door to spare me from this, the floor was old wood under the thin lino and making loud noises. So one day i found it a good idea to ducktape crosses to the floor were the wood was not craking. About your nickname, i had mine too, worst than yours that i gain exactly that ducktape day which was « the canard sauvage » (doesn't really translate well because in french you could easily turn the word duck into the word asshole by just changing a letter). While testing the ducktape road (and there we arrive to the origins of the names coming out of the use of ducktape) i felt miserably on my ass losing balanced in my hurry. And i kept the little duck pictures that you and our roomate put on my door with « wild asshole » writen on it with a heart.
Statement #6: « He encouraged me to take the pill, so my tits would get bigger. Stating then he might sleep less with other women. I didn’t take it, though I considered it, and my self-esteem crumbled.
I began to rebel. Sneaking food alone in the kitchen so I wouldn't have to cook and clean for him. Refusing to take care of his pets, insisting that they were his responsibilities. Eventually for the welfare of the animals, I gave in on this strike »
Don't try to make me pass for a complete mysoginist guy eventhough i totally admit that my sense of humour doesn't give a shit about political correctness (that why humour is for isn't it?).
It was never question of me asking you to take the pill for you to have bigger breast, but you were considering the pill to regulate your hormonal cycles and to get rid of your acnee, and were saying that in bonus for me you'll have bigger breast.
I was caring and supportive of the way you wanted to treat your body: One time we tried to heal one of those mycoses « that i was giving you » with a natural yahourt inspired by a feminist zine about the natural way to heal the body. Also when i was in a feminist festival in canada i brought you back two of those rewashable bio periodic pads, with little flowers on the fabric that you could have used them and stored them dirty with more respect for others. Also i am more than releved to not have to face anymore your menstrual cup bleeding all along the side on the sink for days, just right in my face in the bathroom.
Statement #6: « But I lost weight, had constant stomach aches and grew a cyst from the stress of it all, which became so severe that I had to be hospitalized for a week. »
Yes you did lost weight, when we broke up. A break up that took week of stress out of us as it is gonna be shown further in this statement.
Your nervosity is the cause of it. You also stopped to feed you, in a self destructive attempt to symbolise your loss and grieve. To pressure me into guilt and taking care of you, in the hope to get me back. But i am not sensitive at all to theese kind of acts. If you don't take care of yourself to the point you get cysts (months after we break up, in 2007) it is your problem.
Statement #6: « August 2006, he called me asking me to change his ticket for him from the US back to France, where he had been accused of rape. I was confused, I wanted to support my boyfriend, but as a feminist I couldn’t accuse of women of crying ‘wolf’ instead of ‘rape’. So I did nothing. He asked that I write a public statement of support. But I did nothing.
(Now I know that even that was enough smokescreen for him to hide behind, and people gave him their support, in part because of my silence.) »
"as a feminist I couldn’t accuse of women of crying ‘wolf’ instead of ‘rape’ »
You have a short memory. Or more likely a practical one. You want to portray yourself as the perfect feminist that you always were, with the best feminist soul and sister heart using the famous golden rule « A woman who says she has been raped can't be doubted » but 4 years ago, you were saying the contrary.
I was devasteted, suffering this which hunt, i was going worst everyday. We were talking about it online. This one time someone sent emails incluing private triggering informations like my birth name on it.
me: She gave my birthname.
you: OH MY GOD
OH god
There is no excuses this is too fucked up!
me: i feel so fucking violated in my private life
in my everyting since this i've been treated like shit disrepected and exposed
18:31
You: i know this is one of those guilty till proven innocent things, you are being outcast like you Did do those things
me: i hate the world
You: but you DIDNT so its horrible that you are being treated like that you are getting so much shit you didnt do those things, eventually you are going to clear your name, when your strong enough the people who matter, who know you and love you still believe in you it is too much its so weird what happens when you are a somebody your infamous before you are even famous
me: liking sex and having adventures, being a man, being famous
i'm sooo tired
i'm gonna retire
i'm stopping to be queer
i'm turning straight right now.
i'm not going out to any queer palce event anymore
me: you dont have to
its usually bad art anyway. Except for Betty Craker and la Poupée qui Hurle.
Statement #6: « He assured me that only I understood him, knew the real him. That underneath the tough exterior was a teddy bear, an abandoned little boy in need of Me »
I assured you nothing, it doesn't take long for anyone hanging out with me and sharing part of my life to know that i am sensitive. You were saying that, and it was convienient for you because you wanted to be the solution to everything, caring, reassuring, your way to control other is by caring and loving, controling roles can take many form and the sweetness is the most perfid one.
Still in the same chat:
You: But you are strong people don't understand you.
me: I am not strong.
I look only strong.
You: I know sweetheart, you are a little boy, a koala with claws, but i can not not see you as strong.
You'll survive.
Statement #6: « I was confused, I wanted to support my boyfriend, but as a feminist I couldn’t accuse of women of crying ‘wolf’ instead of ‘rape’. So I did nothing. He asked that I write a public statement of support. But I did nothing. »
I haven't asked you anything. I was drowning in depression. It affected me so much that i was going worst everyday, i was affected to the point to just gave up fighting, i felt that i was already judged, condamned, and fighting if i was not to be heard was just self destructive. Why fight if there is no fair battle? I was in no condition do to anything, and you were seeing the person that you loved be darker and darker every day, you wanted to help and you offered to write a testimonial.
I did nothing with it for the same reason than i didn't ask you to write it, because nobody was caring and i thought that it wouldn't have a made a difference.
And you didn't write one: You wrote two.
The first statement that you wrote was to defend my work from the attacks it was receiving , being called mysoginist, so making me a mysogynist, and so justifying my boycott. Here it is:
You
19/08/06
L. photo statement.
Unfortunately some people have been giving K. pictures negative misreadings; particularly of his depictions of women. As a frequent subject of K's work, I can attest that the images on which
we collaborate are not HIS depictions, but the synergy between my ideas and desires and his talent. I am proud of the work created so far and am eager for future collaboration.
I am many things: a fierce femme, feminist, female-born, performance artist, burlesque performer, activist, narcissist, exhibitionist, recovering catholic, bottom, gender explorer, who has a taste for the twisted and the traditional. In alot of my art I explore gender performance, archetypes, and sexual expression. These themes are evidenced in such images as that of the kinky pin-up, the martyr, the bearded lady, and the tender and celebratory images of a homespun suspension hanging or female ejaculation. It is I the model who decides how I want to be portrayed, what aspects of myself, my desires, my demons, my body I will share in a photo shoot. I see Kael as the first level of voyeur (always respectful, available), and the unknown viewer (who adds excitement and posterity) makes it a menage-a-trois where each partner adds their perspectives, brings their experiences to the work which ultimately must exist on its own.
Yet please consider its humble beginnings, the love and courage between the model and photographer to explore and challenge themselves, and the generous invitation to you, the viewer whom i trust to consider the work with eyes opened.
Therefore, it does not do to simply call a photo misogynist; call me the model for exploring my inner victim, slut, glutton, princess, romantic, femme fatale, child, mother, pervert, or sundry other facet, the misogynist. Then call Kael a misogynist for simply capturing it, but please do not forget to call yourself a misogynist for looking.
L. de V.
And here is the second one that you swear you NEVER wrote.
You
Le 23/10/06
Statement
These accusations are intense shocking and wrong. I have read the testimonials and yes, those are horrific stories, but they are just that, stories. Twisted reality. There are other facts, like that these are three friends, two of whom are aspiring photographers and jilted lovers, and that there is an invitation by text message which denies the "raped in sleep" story. These stories are all altered fabrications of consensual sex. The physical size difference alone between the accusers and the accused makes these stories hard to believe.And it is also true that although a claim has been filed, no case has been made against the accused. This is a politically and socially motivated attack against "The Man" who is represented by the underdog of the queer community, an FTM.
K. takes alot of shit for being who he is, a masculine male who is openly sexual. Feminists seem to make him their antithesis. But he doesnt not polarize himself, it is their hetero normative christian monogamous prejudices that make him a bad guy. K. is ethical and open, and only participates in Consensual Sex and Power Exchange. So yes, he may talk dirty and push a girl against a wall but it is a negotiated scene where both partners have agreed to play Roles. Like in most sexual encounters, one person plays the aggressor and the other the receptor, --and either can be female or male, penetrated or penetrative. And it K. in the active role is the one who takes the biggest risk as the partner who plays the dominant role, because the girl can cry "wolf" afterwards, as has happened in these "rape" stories. They have twisted consensual encounters into something else for personal, social, and political attention. As demonstrated by the warnings which are not against dating K., but of boycotting his Pro-FTM work, the xxb.
I have a longstanding intimate relationship with K. Which does not blind me from his mistakes or shortcomings, but these accusations are just that-- accusations, not true wrongdoing.His only mistake was in trusting these girls to own their desire and sexual preferences, not to be threatened the morning after their encounter with K's masculine dominant engery. I know the real K, I know how loving and good and caring and true he is.He is extremely smart and extremely honest, and intuitive. He has always merited the huge amount of trust I have placed in him for my physical and emotional well-being as his submissive play partner. Not the macho public persona of his pictures. And not the villian everyone makes him out to be for their own reasons.
So when considering this situation know that there is another crime to consider, that of slander: a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report.
There are two sides to Every story.
L.
It's intense to see how much you used it today to construct your revenge.
and it was easy to use the past attacks to make your own. The two artists that you are talking about in your 2006 statement, are queer Fem feminists. And since then you built an international Fem connection. And you and the women who helped you write these lies are working with the fake accusers of the past. This is how you promote yourselves, your art, protected by the «feminazist » laws in your favor, the complete trust in someone presenting herself as a victim, the acceptance of everything she said for the truth, never offering a chance to the other side to talk, ignoring the existing proffs and fact, like this text message you are talking about that nobody even cared to ask me even to see if i was lying and used it against me. I wasn't. And i still have it so you know. Like saying that i had a police record for sexual and physical agression. Sadly for you a genuine police record is not something that someone can fake. That is why no anonymous acusers asked my police record to proove that i was a sexual offender. I have two copies of it at home. One from 2006, one from 2009, they are blank. I can order one today. I had informations about them who they were, their personal connection, and their activist/artist interest, but nobody cared of the facts to prove what was said, they were perfect anonymous, leaving me no way to defend myself legally. And today you do the same thing and say anything you want with the assurance that everybody will trust you and protect you. I bet you didn't expect me to have the courage to expose you!
Statement #6: « September 2006, He began another relationship and when I protested, he threw his breakfast dishes at me so hard, that they cut my knee open thru my jeans. (I still bear scar today). I tried to leave, and he followed me pouring a bag of used cat litter over me. THIS WAS NOT A BDSM SCENE. He insisted I clean up the four flights of stairs, before the neighbors noticed. I WAS SCARED FOR MY LIFE, and I did as he demanded. »
When you came back from the united states, our relationship was poisonned. It was cancerous for a long time, and couldn't resist what we were facing. You felt that i betrayed you, falling in love for someone else, and it's true: I started another relationship while you were away when i got back in paris. I needed to escape from everything and find myself reassurance, and something and someone safe.
Safe wasn't you. Safe wasn't an unhealthy D/s relationship, and safe came as the form of a girl, who didn't even knew that i was a photographer, who was out of our circle, out of all this.
I told you as soon as you got back. Owning my feelings for her. Whatever the type of relation you are in, no contract can ever promess that one of the partner won't fall in love.
You symbolised all that was twisted back to me: a submissive person, and i was seing clear in your game, your adoration was fucked up, holding me hostage as much at it was offering you hostage. I didn't want to be with you anymore, couldn't, wouldn't want to be your daddy, your top your anything. What was said about me was making you at the place of the brave dedicated girlfriend, almost a saint taking on her the sins of the monster she was dating. The more you were supporting me, the more pitty you attracted, the more guilty i was looking.
I wouldn't want to get out of bed, i even took some drugs, i was desperated, and intensely depressed. I threw my cereal bol in rage one day in the wall because i was feeling so helpless, it broke and a piece arrived in your naked knee (it was breakfast).
And you can try this at home: throw a thick stoneware bowl at someone's knee, wearing a jean, to see if it ever can cut the skin, or even break. This is not cutting glass, and obviously if a part arrived in your knee it is because it bounced, so you couldn't be the aim of the bowl.
Though i did throw this cat lit at you and that was totally fucked up.
We were arguing, i was raging against everything, you were asking me to date a girl that we knew, saying « she would be a perfect pick », i was feeling pissed that you were asking me that like that , i was being selfish in my own depressed feeling for sure, not acknowleding your feelings. I threw the cat lit at you that was in my hand at this moment, it was a terrible mess in the stairs, it was everywere and it woked me up instantely about what i just did, i realised how fucked up it was, it was awfull, and i was feeling awfull about it.
I still deeply regret this. That was so bad, and no depression justify such a gesture.
Statement #6: « wish I had not been so isolated, and afraid, I wish I had gone to the police that very night.
Instead, I accepted to see him and his apologies, though a few days later he gave me a sleeping pill and I woke up to him trying to penetrate me with a dildo. We struggled, me fighting him off, and I woke up in the living room, exhausted, sore, and disorientated. »
NO.
When you came back, and i was in love with someone else, our relationship was dying, i wouldn't want to have sex with you anymore. And that was why you were asking the permission to date C. « who was just perfect. »
I had become a real asshole, i was all anger everyday, and i woudln't want to have sex with you, you kept on hoping that would change. It didn't.
Here are two extracts of our online exchange were we talk about it.
Chat le 12/10:
You: i have really good news, do you want to hear it?
Me: sure...
You: I'm going to Stockholm, Sweden in November
me: ok
for what?
You: hootchy kootchy festival, honoring betty page, for burlesque
why arent you saying, wow that's great?
me: cause i'm french
12:46
You: so what, you dont want to be happyfor me?
me: happy for someone doesn't exist.
that's great
great
great
whoooo
ouhouh
12:48
i'm happy for you but that's not really interesting to say everybody is happy for everyone so if all you want is a wall of narcisitic happy ness go tell the world.
You: good morning mr. nihilist
me: you'll get i'm sooo happy for you everywhere.
12:50
You: why is this an argument?
me: i don't think i wanna hear about you anymore.
You: but we are going to stop sharing our lives is that it
me: i know g. would never told me anything i wouldn't hear. i live you the rest of paris.
12:52
You: do you feel bad everytime you talk with me?
me: yes
but we don't express it the same way
i just wish you didn't exist.
or doesn't
You: its not the same feelings is it or it is, just not the same expression?
12:54
its so naive to think we could change to from one thing to another with out pain
me: the thing is i'm not gonna be happy for you for anything. cause i'm not happy for anything
12:55
i don't have happyness. so definilty not for anyone else.
12:57
You: what was all that that you erased?
me: i don't know
12:58
You: i dont make you happy, i dont seem to have a positive infleuence on your life
12:59
moi: you left it.
You: and the effect of our relationship on me is a painful one right now
13:00
when??
me: well me too
i feel abandonned.
13:01
You: im not abandoning you
me: whatver the result is the same.
You: you stopped loving me
13:02
moi: i stopped being attracted to you.
In this second one i clearly say that i am not confortable with us being intimate and that you ressent me for not being sexual to you, that i'm uncomfortable when you try to kiss me and that we have different expectations.
I wrote you this email after this evening when you came by to take some picture, it was late at night, and when you arrived at my place there was traces of the sex i had that day with my new girlfriend that i forgotten to hide. It was a petrifying fail. And may be a unconsient mistake to sabotage your attempt to take me back.
Me
Le 18/10
sujet: Tonight
>I am really sorry for my terrible mistake, that was totally not cool, and indelicate, and i feel awfull about it.
>i really didn't realize it, and i got no excuses for this. and i would totally have been apologetic if you didn't start to scream at me things that had not their place here.
i was really looking forward to see you, i decided to bake a cake, i finished working so i would have time for you to hang out, but i'm so down that i forgot all about the mess. and i react very bad to yells and screams and accusations.
>i am sorry and i can't really say more, i see how hurtfull it have been, and i feel awfull about it.
but all this yelling freaked me out. and wasn't all justified. i feel like my pictures are my sacred space. and out of respect i told you that you didn't want to take harness pictures because i took some with her. And your « she's a lesbian cunt, i'm a fem » felt really weird.
you're the one that wanted to be a lesbian and were all gay flag at a period of your life, i recently posted about trans attacking trans on their trans identity, starting to call a person the wrong pronons, and tells who's trans and who isn't and i feel this is exactly the same kind of stuff exept it's not about trans but the fem identity. and i feel it's fucked up.
>i want to work with you and i was right midnight is not an appropriate time to do this and the sleepover is not a good idea. i don't think we should sleep in the same bed, it is my space, and i don't want you to be looking for traces of my sexual life.
>i understand your attitude, and i would be the same and may be worst if i were at your place, but as i put myself in your position,if you were putting yourself at my position, you would understand that i
can't tolerate these attitudes.
this invading.
This constant expectations. this weird attitude, i feel that you want me, it makes
me uncomfortable when you try to kiss me. i love you. i'm interested in you but this is not what i want. it is not working, and it won't work because we don't have the same expectations, we are not on the same dynamic anymore, and we've had resent for each other too much for a relation to be healthy.
>i see that you hold me responsible for everything, falling in love, not being able to be sexual with you, not wanting this relationship anymore, and you don't ask yourself the real questions, because answering by "the girl" is a really easy way out. it makes everything not your fault.
>you think i don't care about loosing you and it's untrue.
i care.
but i don't want what you want.
and we talked about this so much.
i don't want to write this out of anger, or any bad feelings i had tonight. i don't want to be all guilty too. i can write out of love and desire for things to be good.
>if you want to take photos of betty craker i'm here for you, you tell me i'm not here for you for anything but fuck last week i was here to Pacs you, read the entiere thing for you, i come to encourage you and i support you, i may be depressed but don't use it to try to get things from me because "you try to be here for me".
>cause you are not trying to be here for me you're trying to get me back.
>in complete careless of what i experience in my life. and i'm not asking you anything. i hang on myself everyfucking day, i don't ask anything to anyone, i'm the one keeping me out of drugs, out of medication, out of self destructing acts, it's not you, it's not anyone but me.
i'm the one trying to not go kill everyone, and to just eat whatever is throwing at me.
>it's not you and you're not here. and i don't resent you for that, i don't ask you to be here, but when you arrive "to be here" and suddenly expect things from me it is simply not right.
i understand totally your situation, and try to be carring, but carring doesn't means sacrifying me, denying me, lying to you or myself. and i know this might be the way you do things for people, but
i am not gonna be like that. it doesn't work, and it's not true.
>i'm being true to you. i'm telling you how i feel and not to hurt you. even if the reality of my feelings are hurtfull to you. you are really violent. you got this energy that completly freaks me out. You're aggressive we've talk about this. you throw your aggressivity at my face and suddenly you expect me to be nice, to be this or that... well it's simply freaks me out, trigger me, scare me and make me want to put distance.
>i'm still clear about my relationship to you, how i feel, what i want etc. i don't expect you to be anything, i understand we might loose each other, but if it happens i will be ok with myself that i did everything i could, that i loved and respect you, that i've been true and carring.
>tonight i made an horrible mistake that i really feel bad about. I imagine how painfull that was. and i really feel sorry about it. i was spaced out. i tried to be nice, when you wanted to come after the
kisses show late, i tried to give you what you wanted, i baked a cake, we had movie, we had a breakfast date, and some shopping together. but it can't work. you still hold on to your expectations and anger. and we can't be intimate, or enter each other intimate space. we are not
friend, we're no longer lovers, or partners, it's a transitionnal space that you refuse, and refusing it just leave us in a really bad position where we'e just destroying every possibility to share anything.
and i don't want that.
>so i am here for you for professionnal stuff. and helping you stay in france if you need. i'll help you make business cards. we'll have photo appointment. like one hour photo session, where it's gonna be
professionnal, means my space would be clear as it is when a journalist comes here, means that you won't cross the professional line and ask personnal questions.
>we need to be creative and positive in our lifes. i'm really glad your performing is expanding and you got projects that you're really into, and i really want to help you in that way. sadly i can't help you feel better in your life, and you can't help me feel better in my life.
let's keep it professionnal. we need to see things bloom of our relation.
i am really sorry as i can imagine your feelings tonight. really sorry.
but this can't be a reason for displaced hate. aggressions.
This testify of our past interaction. You were pushy, agressive, i was trying to get out of this hard times of breaking up the best we could considering that its a break up so... it's painfull. I was expressing my feeling and setting boundaries you didn't respected.
I left you for another women. You wouldn't adapt to the situation, and it became impossible to interact. I wouldn't want to see you anymore, you insisted to come sleep at my place, i was not OK with that. I couldn't deal seing you also because you were suffering of the break up and then it was projecting the dynamic of the villain and the victim, and it was trigering. This situation assured you the total support and love of everyone, and you look like an angel, my then given bad role was heavy to carry, and was adding to my situation.
Those emails were from october, i kept especially this one from august 12th. We were processing talking about everything, your codependancy, our relationship, our eyes opens, donc pretend you were blinded, with an overdominant person who was shuting you down!!
You august 12th 2006
----i'm calmer now. we had agreed that difficult things might best be communicated through email. so, i'm sending you an email. i want to say that i think you are great. my vision/experience of you is a positive one. even though we are in a rocky stage i care so much for you and want to stay open to trying to work things out.
im sorry i couldnt have come here to cook, clean, rub your butt and give blowjobs, then be silent while you work and socialize. you know, kinda like a mail-order bride. i know it would be more convenient if you could put me aside when you dont want me. but i came as a real, complete person. who thinks of (all) relationships as give and take.
and its the beginning, which in our experience has always been rough. and to put on top of it, your really difficult situation, and my self-healing/discovery. its only been 3 days baby, that's not alot. although they have seemed like three very Long days.
below are some of my initial reactions after the fight:
"if i dont want to have sex, that should be respected"
1. yes, but that doesnt mean i cant have feelings about it.
2. you do want to have sex, just not with me.
"your always the victim, which makes me the badguy"
1. that's fucked up logic, and who are you refering to? who's judging? i dont think that, you shouldnt think that.
2. why am i the victim, cause i cry? well you get mad. you get cold/detached. i yell, when i feel like im not being heard. you were not listening to me. i felt like you were projecting Your feelings onto me, and not listening to my feelings. i had no way to communicate so i yell. maybe if you cried, would that make both of us victims?
3. i am not a victim, i am your partner. and while i try to support you in your difficulties, i will no longer ignore my own issues (hence not being a victim). i know you are scared that i will turn on you, at the least misrepresent you. but i dont, i wont.
i do not always blow-up at inappropriate times. you bring up delicate big-deal stuff at inappropriate times. cause i cant set my feelings aside. and im not going to be fake.
when you throw the words "take a lover" at me, they arent a blessing, a fix, a cure. they hurt. i dont want lovers. i want to be in love. I want intimacy. i want to work things out with the person i love, so that we are both happy, satisfied and supported through the Relationship. i am a serial monogomous person. i've been monogomous for 8 months in this relationship. that's not saying im refusing or incapable of being different but its not a decision lightly made.
me not going with you was a good logical decision. i would have made us both uncomfortable, as i was riding the waves of distress. so i opted to have some alone time to deal. it wasnt me throwing a fit, until that logical decision was taunted as somehow theatrical.
i know you are experiencing big horrible difficult things, and they are effecting your life greatly. and i love you. even messy hurt you.
we both know that me denying myself for you isnt a solution. Making you feel guilty and me resentful and its just bad ol' codependency rearing its ugly head. so that's why im still trying to acknowledge what is important, necessary, or negotiable to me. so maybe we can Discuss our individual and couple issues and come to some mutual good place.
with love,
l
Me
re:After the storm
L,
I admit that i throw my problems at your face, i'm being a huntee, i'm being the bad guy, and nice girls always create bad guys. nice girls with bleu eyes, crying, and they are so nice, and everybody thinks so, makes you feel like an horrible person.
may be i discorve that being a boy i will always be the horrible one. i don't see any scenario where the girl wouldn't take out more tears than a boy who would always be suspicous. well boys like me. may be it would be different if i was a sweet nerdy guy. but no.
so may be i just hate bleu eyed girl that cries a lot, and are sad and needy.
because you look like angels. and it makes me look like the devil. it is not fucked up logic, lessa, it's how it works. i really don't want to hurt you. at all. but i don't know. you are hurting and it's going to be my fault.
and it's freak me out.
i don't want to be responsible for the death of bambi on the top of all that's been reproched to me.
i have the same problem that last time. i have too much pressure on my shoulders to be able to find my desire for you, it can't come naturally at all. you came back all the way from kentucky to be with me (implicitly said, and even you said no it doesn't look like that at all) i feel pressured to make you happy, to make your trip worth, i feel that i have to be a good boyfriend and you to have a fun life, and yeah this aint nothing of my business, and i believe people should make themselve happy but still... i fel like i have to do it.
i know you want me, you want ME so much.
you want Me to fuck you.
me, me, me.
and it's hot for you. but it feels pressuring for me.
to be responsible of your pleasure even when i'm not here. all these virginities, to be the one that keep the key to the pleasure. is it hot to me still...? i don't know... i'm not sure.
i feel like i HAVE to fuck you. i feel that it's so expected, it has to happen, we're just waiting for it to happen. it's unatural. i know you want me, i'm here, with this unbalanced desire, and it woudn't be that much of a deal if you didn't want me that much.
it wouldn't feel that unbalanced. the more you want me the more i feel i don't want to fuck you. yes i'm a little boy panicking. this is what i do. i panik.
yesterday when i asked you to suck my cock, it was for you. i was trying to make sex happens. i feel really hurt that you consider that it was for me, or that i was being selfish when actually i was trying
to give you something.
something intimate, more intimate than getting me off. to give acces to my body is always a give. because it has never been easy to do so, so eventhough today i don't have any body issues anymore (way way less) in my head to let a lover touch i've been stone. the acces to my body is a gift.
each time i let somebody touch me it's a gift, an exchange, it's mutual. never it's a take. this is probably why i can see oral pleasing as a reward definilty, because when i let somebody touch me
there is a story behind. and it comes from a long process to give acces to my body.
and i was trying to reconnect that way.
but there is a lot of mixed things.
there is that.
there is the fucked up situation of that i am not sure i want to fuck anyone who doesn't owns her sexuality.
there is the trust issue where from the relationship we've had, and the roles we embraced, with love, and desire, the role play we've had, it's triggering me. it's triggering as much as when suddenly you want to be tied up in a basement and take pictures. it has been twisted and i can't do it, and i know it is consensual and i think i can even say more i know it is your desire, but my consensual sex has been used against me, has been rewritted.
my images has been recreated. I just can't feel safe, weither it's going to be you who can say any
moment "he did this" or someone coming and say he did this to her, she wasn't ok, or she was unable to make a strong decision.
or in denial.
or whatver bullshit.
am i a wall of confidence? do i care for people? i do. and no i am not a wall of confidence. and i care for you, i care in the past, i've always watched for your safety during our sex, i've tried always to guess when it wouldn't be ok, because i felt you might not be able to say your safeword, or to say no i don't like it, since we were experiencing new things. and because i know how much you are co
dependant and i wouldn't want you to say yes to please me, not you.
you're in the process to become independant, and i feel really happy and i've always supported that. but you are not. and i am afraid. Of you doing things for me. even sacrfice.
i am telling you to get a lover, and i know it's hard. hard to hear. and i know i throw it out like that, because i just want to feel deresponsabilised. i don't want it to be my business anymore. i don't
want to feel pressured by your desire. i want it away. and yes the situation feels unbalanced. because i have lovers. no i am not a serial monogamous. having lovers is so important to me on different
levels... and keep myself all to you. no it's true it doesn't protect me from meeting someone, or liking someone, but you're monogamous and you still can like someone, and meet someone. i know it protects me from having obsessions about somebody i like. or some experience i want to have. i am composed of very different energies, and i need a "bottom" space, where i feel little and protected. or to take hollyday out of being a daddy.
i know you want cuddles. and i can't definilty give that to you, you not feeding that need makes me feel guilty.
it's a tricky situation. who's unbalanced in so many ways. Yeah telling you to get a lover might not be the solution, but waht we live is definilty not the solution, or healty, for both of us. and i am ready to help you feed your needs, social, friend and may be sexual out of me. in a loving way. in the beliefs that i would be respected and that you will heard what are my boundaries. not trying to fuck with them as you did in the past.
from our experience i know that i have a good insctinct about us, and yes i am more experienced than you are and i feel i can see where it's going to be damaging, and where it looks scary but is actually doing good to our relationship. i expect the most respect, as i always give it to you. and protect us. and give you all the respect you deserve by letting my lover know, and making it clear that this is it, this is my life and i my partner must be respected and my relationship should be
respected.
i love you. and i'm starting to feel like we should talk about this.
there is one last thing i need to say. you are really agressive. I know you are reacting and this is your way to express your feelings, but it put us in a climat tendu et enerve perpetuellement, and i hate
it. it shut me off. i can't discuss anymore after. i deal really bad with screams and yelling, and nervous gesture (like your feet on the floor, door slamming and stuff and it's not a new thing) and i would appreicate that you try to control you or express your feeling differently because it really damaging to any communication we might have.
K.
This email exchange alone is testifying of your true acts at the time, and put your testimony to the trash, you were doing on me what you probably call when it's from a man to a woman, sexual harrassment. You were clearly never respecting my boundaries, my no, and has been forcing yourself on me for the three months that it took you to admit that it was not gonna happen.You were constantely trying to get me back using any pretexts.
Chat exchange:
17/10
You: i do need your help, cause the swedes are asking for press material so i need to get pics from you for L. de V.
12:06
me: afternoon is between 1 and 7pm so when you say afternoon mean afternoon and i won't have to change my answer.
You: right, i said i cant come over in the afternoon
can i come over at night?
we can take pics and watch tv
me: oh ok my mistake
12:08
no you cant
You: k...*
me: no.
i'm not against seeing you evenings
we have to talk about it
12:09
to be sure it works. and i'm not sure about sleepovers
and no my evenings don't start at 11pm
so no.
12:10
You: what do you mean, your evcenings doint start at 11?
me: i mean it's too late
i don't want to take picture at 11
ever
You: oh
me: its not apropriate time
12:11so i'll have some time tomorow but not begining of the afternoon more likely late afternoon
wich might not work because you are working
You: wed i work all day, can we plan on thurs?
but lets set a time now, an hour, and what themes for pics
me: yes we can
another one:
25/10
me: i'm tired fo being disapointing or hurtfull
You: thats not at all what i want either
13:24
me: yeah but it arrived so much that now i'm really defensive
13:25
You: i know
me: so i don't really know
i have a lot of work to do and i'm in a terrible red day cause i couln't fall asleep yesterday and passed then a shity night
You: fuck
yeah, i just want to pass more nice moments with you. and i would like to have dinner somewhere or something with you tomorrow, but i only want it if you want to do that.
i want you to want to spend time with me, not beg or make it happen so if its not a good time, i'll take a raincheck
13:29
me: yeah but i KNOW you're not in a stable place, so you can go crazy and aggressive anytime, and also i don't want to process our relationship or talk about it etc etc again and again. i said all that there's to be said about it. and i'm treally tired of talking about it.
these are not nice time for me.
but you know too that i can;t fake things, and start talking about anything if i feel the real subjet you wanna talk about is hidden under is pretty hard and not gonna work for me
i just know that it might take a while until we're able to communicate normaly
but the good thing is that we have project to work on together and it will help us
You: okay
13:32
me: so let's focus on that
Your attitude was passive agressive, you were not respecting my personal space, you were hasseling me and i was answering you to leave me alone:
You:
13/10/06
Sorry, i Hasseled you, thanks
me
13/10/06
After this phone call, i don't think i want to see you anytime soon.i need a break.
i really don't like your attitude and feel harassed, oppressed, and i already have my own shit to take care of and my new "feeling guilty" thing that makes me allow you and other to break my balls all the time, and that allow people of abusive behavior toward me. and you asking me like i own you anything what i did, where i go, you passing by to check what im doing in disguise with good intentions is NOT OK.
you're not at a place to respect me and my life, and to be a good person to me.
i am already not feeling good, and now i have enough. this talking between you and i is obvioulsy pure fantasy and it allow you to bring your passive aggressive attitude and anger throwing at me. and this is NOT OK.
i don't need anyone, i can take care of myself alone, i wish you were what you said, good food feary, i wish i could come to your shows and see you, i wish a lot of thing that are not going to happens.
i'll get over all of you.
Now you want to pretend you were the one trying to put distance?! « I tried to take distance. Our official relationship over, I moved out. But it took me two more months to have the courage to cut all contact, to stop believing his threats, insults, and emotional harassment. » You were the one harassing me, I was keeping pushing you out. You just wouldn't accept it.
Chat:
03/11/06
10:17
You: you are up early
10:18
i mean, good morning
10:21
i gotta go, but i want you to call me
Email:
You
le 09/11/06
dear dear dear,
>>i dont know how this silence has been for you. but it's hard not to call you, not to write you. i think about you all the time, all of these seven days. i don't know what is supposed to happen in this silence, this absence. i hope some sort of healing, cooling down.
You are never far from me, because i keep you close. its not dead, not over. i love you.
>>i have been occupying my time productively. i tore down the wallpaper in the living room, i bought fabric for curtains. i feel good, doing something.
>>i made two new costumes. i sang at the last cabaret. i missed you horribly. the knowledge you weren't there to see and support me, to share it with me, made my stomach hurt. but the show went well. and i go to stockholm this weekend.
>>i'm on a new schedule, cause i have started to work at the two schools, dividing my time between them. Wed and Fri i wake up at 6am. And work till 6pm. So its a hard schedule but at least it fills the days.
>>i think of the projects we still can do together. film, photos, bake cakes...
>>can you let me in your life? is there any safe space for us to come together?
>>come on, let me feed you. let me cuddle you. let's do something together.
I was answering that no it was impossible. And i didn't wanted it.
me
09/11/06
i don't want and need that.
i wrote a selfish message to pass 4 minutes away from my mental blabling.
right now i don't see how we can be in each other's life.
i don't want to hear about yours, you don't want to hear about mine.
we can't be friends right now. and you certainly don't want to be W. or G. (two of my exes that were now close friend of mine)
so.
Here is the story. The very story that you completely transformed and twisted for your calculated revenge or the story you tell yourself to still not take any responsability and transform this bad break up into some courageous act of a women, now transformed into someone every one should admire for her courage.
Too bad i kept all our exchanges so now you, your blind supporters and the not so blind ones, can't deny that you didn't tell the truth and that you were living a terrible break up, so terrible that you wouldn't let me go.
Our relation was largely fucked up and i'm partly responsable, and you as much as me.
In august 2006, we were begining out break up and you were writing me this:
You
14/08/06
Sujet: Because of you
i am not the same. i would never regret the amazing discoveries i made about myself because of you. you have given me so much. i learned about my body, my desire, my phobias. i was brave, trustful, and honest in new and deeper ways. i learned alot about my taboos, and limits. i learned to jump off a cliff and what it was like to be rescued.
i love the gifts you made to me of yourself, your body, sharing your desire and tender places. you let me in, and for that priveledge i am eternally grateful. you let me share the wild ride that is your life, and that excitement i will always remember.
you bless my life.
i love you."
No this was not just any love story. It was an intense love story, in which we both gave a lot of ourselves, and probably too much. We took bad decisions on so many occasions. A love story that had been stopped in a terrible way, and a story which for back then and still today you hold me responsible of all our lovers failures.
Guilty of not loving you, you who were perfect to the eyes of the world. Pretty, angel faced talented and sweet.
You still got the world in your hand to the command of a simple blink of your eye lashes and your little girl voice, and cute french. Probably even more to protect you from suffering again of rejection, but people say you still do the same, only now you read art books.
I have a big scar from our relationship. Trust issues, and i fear codependant people.
And i never had any 24/7 D/s relation ship with anyone before or after, and today i don't ever play anymore.
You loved me and ressent me, you never got me back, you started hating me when you finally accepted the idea.
We had great people around us, that were proposing to open a mediation betwen us. I was up to it and thought that on the right time it would happen.
One december 2006 day you stopped writing me and our break up was finally happening. Total silence. You started a relationship with the FtM boy who stole my girlfriend the past summer of the first trip to Seattle.... people always says we are twins brothers...
In a past message you wrote that you wouldn't let me go without a fight, that you were holding your place in this relation with your nails. That revolution was violent and was easiest when the king looses his head.
You made me that king, and you tried to decapitate me today with this revolting statement #6 to finally win that battle with your co dependance. You tried to make you politicaly attractive and sacred with the help of the precious friends and « activists » who uses everyone around them, and change label as they change lipstick. Only ever being activist to sell their « art » and for who i wrote a little note.
I am really sorry for you.
You
14/10/06
sujet: Letting go.
I should have been true to my word and stopped talking to you when i said i would. i have to squash the remaining hope/need/expectaion/desire from me, and to deal with my love and anger. i really cant be anything but crazy with you. i keep trying, please believe its never my intention to become hysterical. but i cant deal with the distance between us, i cant cope with the changes to the relationship bewteen you and i, whats not allowed, the new boundaries.
and i fear making the distance between us wider, how if i dont hold onto my place in your life with my nails, i will lose it. and you'll have no interest in me and soon you'll say "yuck" at ever the thought of us being together again, or intimate. and i fear the void you leave in my life. how scary it is without the sun. and its disorienting to take you off the pedestal of god/master/daddy, baby, the king usually loses his head...revolution has always been violent.
when you said i cant be a good person in your life right now, i think that's true. and i dont think you can be one for me right now either. cause you are my source of pain, dissapointment, confusion, and anger. but you were also my partner, lover, best friend, and artistic collaborator and i feel like im drowning without you fulfilling those roles in my life, so i keep trying to hold on. and i hate that the more i/we try the worst it seems to get between us.
so yeah, i guess time, the only thing that heals right? i dont want you to hate me. or to be weary of me. i want you to remember how good it was to be with me, so the next time we come together, its from a good place.
lets just try to be kind to each other, and to give space. not demand and take. i'll try my best to give you yours in good faith and from love, and you try to do the same for me. i dont want us to hurt each other, we dont have to.
im so sad and sorry its come to this. but how could you expect me to let you go all easy without a fight? and that fight takes place in me, with you, against reality. i've been a good little soldier, but im all bloody and tired, and need to get off the battlefield. so a little rest, to accept losing the battle, till i feel better, and i can feel good with you.
i hope in the meantime you take care of yourself, i worry about you. be good to you. and i still know how wonderful you are even if i hate you for the moment.
wow, its hard to even end this message, i dont want to let you go. but that is the only choice left isnt it? it's only because it was so great, that its so hard now. i loved being your girl baby.
someday soon, i'll try to accept being only something less to you. and then we can be sweet to each other again.
~me
///////////////////// Droit de Réponse au témoignage #6 du blog "engagées enragées" ////////////// Epilogue à Wendy Delorme et Emilie Jouvet
